| | You know, I should have listened to a good friend when I was warned, but now I've gone and made a complete fool of myself. I was swept away but the sweetness of a little intimacy and its come to naught. Again. Its so frustrating that there is just something about me that can hook them well enough but never ever reel them in. I feel like I'm debasing myself for even trying and really, I'm trying too hard. Its pathetic that I'm still craving... something. And I've proven myself to be an idiot, just waiting around for a call that isn't going to come.
What is even more pathetic is that I feel so hopeless right now. I shouldn't care, and its not that I care about the fellow, but that I've allowed this to happen in the first place. I just desire closeness too much, and I'm sure it shows but I just bask and flourish in it. I always have my biggest and brightest smiles when my heart is tripping after someone. I realize that I haven't spent all of my self-prescribed time alone yet but for a moment, I thought that I didn't need to. And now I'm feeling that if I do, I'm never going to be able to get back in the field as I do not know how to play this game at all.
It was clearly a case of "hes just not that into you" which I suppose is fine but begs the question why the fuck not. Maybe it is conceited of me to even begin thinking like that but I can't help it. What is wrong with me that he didn't like me in the same fashion as I did him. Perhaps I was just too forward, too... available, as my mother likes to put it. It frustrates me. To no end. And it is incredibly disheartening. I'm feeling how I was before I went home; this anxiousness to not be here, to be home with the people I know and love. Not among these strangers where I have to constantly prove myself and just try and try and try. I'm already tired of it.
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| | Posted 1/18/2009 4:40 PM - 41 Views - 2 eProps - 3 comments
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